In what is certain to become my most unnesessary, blatantly obvious review, guess what? The port-o-potties at the Rose Bowl suck monkey ass!
After 93 years of hosting this event you'd think that the staffers would have discovered by now that people don't dig waiting in line for over an hour to use the crapper. And that people like toilet paper. A lot. This can't be stressed enough. People really, really like wiping their asses with toilet paper. You see, here's the thing-- tailgating food has a very short half-life and demands constant monitoring. Proximity to easily accessible port-o-potties with short ques is a must. A good rule of thumb for event organizers is that the amount of time spent waiting in line should never be more than 1.5 times the amount of time it takes to injest the food. i.e.-- A sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito is injested in two minutes. 2 multiplied by 1.5 equals 3. In this example, the maximum wait time to crap should never exceed 3 minutes. So simple! Notice that this formula does not include digestion time as everyone's stomachs are unique and no standardized, scientificaly-validated data exists on this. Yet.
This is stupid. Anyone who's ever been to this game knows exactly what I'm talking about. And anyone who's ever considered going would be wise to fast for at least 24 hours before doing so.
You owe me a new pair of underwear, Rose Bowl! You friggin' turd gobblers!
4 comments:
Dear Crapspotter,
Perhaps Depends Undergarments should sponsor the Rose Bowl and hand out free samples in the parking lot. They'd get great publicity, and individuals such as yourself would be able to avoid future crap accidents.
Sincerely,
The Rhetorical Letter Writer
Dear Rhetorical,
Am I allowed to write back? In any case, thank you for your comments. I have contacted Depends and they have agreed to come aboard as a corporate sponsor of my site (see list of links).
Thank you,
Crapspotter
I completely agree with your review, but I completely disagree with your math.
2 times 1.5 is actaully 3 minutes, not 3.5 minutes. But yeah, if you add 2 and 1.5, then it's totally 3.5 minutes.
I'm sending you a calculator. Give me your address.
Keep up the good work.
Dear Ian,
I stand corrected. While the Crapspotter has a fine instinct for all things fecal, you're right to point out his mathematical shortcomings. It will happen again.
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