The other afternoon, I had just finished lunching with a friend on Main St. in Santa Monica. I had a mixed meat panini and a diet root beer of some kind. Ostensabily, both easily digestable. Wrapping up lunch, I walked down the street to the Starbucks to do some writing (the one on the corner of Main and Hill). Feeling strong, I ordered a full on cafe mocha with real milk and set up shop. No sooner had I guzzed down the last drop then my stomach began to gurgle. Ironically, my ancient semetic genes are equipped to survive in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, but unable to handle a mild dose of caffeine and sugar.
I was code red.
I quickly threw my laptop in my bag and hustled over to the bathroom. A frequent guest of this SBUX, I knew what to expect: a single stall, ample toilet paper, and the requisite piss puddled floor. No big deal. I could handle it. What I wasn't prepared for was the Mommy and Me line comprised of no less than two Yoga Moms and their four little girls. I was screwed. There was no way my stomach could hold out this long.
My car, luckily, was only a few blocks away, and my house, gratefully, was less than two miles. I could hold out. I must. Racing home, I tried to preoccupy my mind with the thought of how many others there must be like me right now. Those fellow intrepid shitters, yearning for the toilets of their homecourt, pushing their car to borderline illegal speeds and maneuvers. And then it hit me-- How much gas was being wasted daily by people who drive home to shit? With the lethal combination of burrito joints and clogged highways in L.A., the numbers here alone must be staggering. And at what cost to the environment? Due to poor and overly crowded restroom facilities, what begins as an innocuous, carbon free gas in our ass can quickly turn into a gasoline based pollutant. This is a job for Al Gore. I am calling him now.
3 comments:
Speaking of SBUX, it is a remarkable "Safe Haven" on long-distance driving trips. Stand-alone stores are appearing more and more along the highways and byways of America, and that is headline news for shy shitters everywhere.
If you're like me, you do not dig sitting down with truckers on either side of you, puffing Marlboros as they evac the 15 White Castles they downed in Chicago last night. Notwithstandig the comradery, the upkeep is abysmal, as 300lb teamsters are not very well schooled in the art of the courtesy flush and the "leave no trace" theorem.
Contrast that to the earthy tones, mood lighting, "song of the day," locking doors and overall better vibe on the other side of the Interstate at that oh-so-new SBUX. Makes you want to drive through White Castle on the way out of town simply in anticipation of the chance to empty in Effingham (I-57), or leave it in Lincoln (I-80).
Posting at the Sarcastic Idiocy Forum is the only way science has of bring Bert Convy back from the dead.
http://www.thesif.net/SIF/index.php?
Interesting to know.
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